To say I was a ball of anxiety last month (and December) is an understatement. I was—or rather, still am anxious. I couldn’t fully enjoy my holiday because I was having one anxiety attack after another. There were moments when I was so close to sending myself to the ER. On top of that, I was constantly thinking about my upcoming procedure, so yeah, I was barely keeping it together. But I tried to keep it cool, reminding myself that it wasn’t anything serious. I had undergone multiple medical tests to get clearance for anesthesia, if there was something wrong they will tell me, and it was just my mind playing tricks on me.

I honestly couldn’t see the end of January clearly because, until I got the result of my procedure, I couldn’t plan long-term. If that makes sense? So, I’m taking things one step at a time.

Life Lately

• The Time Has Come. I had been dealing with gastrointestinal issues for the past 6-7 months. At first, we took a conservative approach since doctors assured me I was at low risk. But in December, my only symptom happened for five straight days, sending me into panic mode. Eventually, I was ordered to get a colonoscopy to clear things up. I couldn’t get an appointment in December because of the holidays, so I had to wait for a call. Once January arrived, I was anxiously anticipating it—and then it finally came! Off I went. And by God’s grace, I got a clean bill of health. I couldn’t be happier!
• Anxiety Still Lingers. I thought that was one thing off my mind, but then this anxiety still persists. I was already feeling off last December. On top of my medical clearance, I did additional lab tests, and thankfully, everything came back normal. But what do I do about this anxiety?! It’s still ongoing, and now I’ve developed another health anxiety issue that’s hovering over me, wearing me down. I’m exhausted.
• Journaling as Therapy. One of the suggestions I read online to help with my anxiety was journaling. So, I bought new journals—yes, two! One is for daily journaling/diary entries, and the other is a planner for other things. Though I mostly use Notion because it’s so handy, I’m trying to embrace traditional journaling. Writing things down makes them feel more real, which they say can help keep me more “in the moment”. Even now, just writing this has made me realize how real these emotions are.
• Anime Distractions. I started watching a lot of new anime, as you might have read, but I dropped quite a few from my list. Honestly, I’m not really in the mood most of the time, and I find that many series are either unrelatable or just not interesting to me anymore. I have an upcoming post about this soon. So yeah, I guess I was kind of productive, or at least, I’m trying to de-stress and redirect my energy elsewhere.

February Agenda

• Seeking Inner Peace. I honestly just want to get to the bottom of this. Some days are good, some are overwhelming. I feel like my life is in a constant pendulum, swinging between good and bad days. I know my mind has a lot to do with this. I’ve been managing things on my own—keeping up with my vitamins and meds, drinking calming tea before bed, journaling, and doing light exercises (though this one makes me nervous for some reason because I’m terrified of exhaustion, I don’t even know why). But at this point, I feel like I’m doing everything I can on my own, and maybe professional help could give me a better perspective.
• Family Plans. We usually have a big family reunion every January, but due to scheduling conflicts and my procedure (which I didn’t even know the exact date of at first), it didn’t pan out. It’s not entirely off the table, but honestly, I’m conflicted about whether I’m healthy enough to travel. Just thinking about it feels overwhelming.
• No Big Plans, Just Trying to Remain Calm. I don’t have major plans this month. All I want is to keep my mind and health intact because I’ve been completely consumed by anxiety. Even writing this makes me realize just how real these feelings are. I’m praying for continuous better days, but if not, then it’s time to seek professional help. Health anxiety is no joke, and keeping myself grounded is tough. I pray every day for God to keep me together.

I pray for a lovely month ahead for myself and everyone else! 💌😊🌷