I feel a bit bittersweet that I’m about to say goodbye to this lovely decade. My 30s were full of learning, self-discovery, and taking risks that I never thought I’d have the courage to take! In retrospect, many of the moments that shaped who I am now happened in these ten years.

So before I unlock the big 40 soon *bite nails* I wanna give this decade a little love letter it deserves.

I was reeling everything in while thinking about what to write, but I guess a very short trip down memory lane (to my 20s) is necessary because that changed the trajectory of my 30s. Because in all honesty, my 20s wasn’t the decade I was most proud of. I was young, naive, and full of worries, anxiety, and internal screaming. I was completely closed off in my own personal (safe) bubble, unwilling to leave. When the clock started ticking toward my 30s, I was nervous and confused, feeling like my time was running out while I was still undecided about how to move forward. It was scary!

So for me taking that first step was the hardest.

Yes, the just first step. It was hard, nerve wracking even, and there were so many doubts, and not only from me but from everyone around me. I didn’t trust myself that I can do it, and they didn’t trust me either. But in hindsight, their doubts actually fueled me. They pushed me to burst that bubble and finally leave.

It was the hardest first step, but it was also the most fulfilling one I ever took. And my life changed for the better.

The change wasn’t overnight. It was, and still is, a work in progress. But I’m happy to say that my mindset really did change. Don’t get me wrong I’m still risk-averse & still cautiously introvert but I became more willing to try. I’m still afraid to fail, but I always told myself that it’s better than not doing anything at all. At least I could tell myself that I tried. Oh boy, did I try! And still trying!

I’m still highkey anxious, but I’m doing things with anxiety. And honestly, that’s what my 30s have been about: scared yet brave at the same time! I second-guess myself a lot, but unlike before, I became more willing to do something about the things that scare me instead of letting the fear stop me completely. Do it scared as they say!

And I know, let us not kid ourselves, while 30s are still plenty young, but it isn’t longer a fountain of youth. And the more years added, the more it sink in, ah~ I’m really getting old. I felt my mortality more in my 30s. I can’t naively brush things off as just anxiety. The creaking bones, the consequences of sleep deprivation, the fast heartbeat, the worry on snacking unhealthy guilty pleasure food, yeah, they catch up to you real quick!

I’ve always been on the thin side most of my of my youth, but maybe because I’m finally in a better place, I finally gained a healthy weight. I love my body now even though anxiety makes me questions things (it is hypochondria speaking!) But like Hilary Duff said, “stronger, not smaller,” and my millennial queen Lizzie McGuire was right! I love this body, despite all the health scares it has put me through and all the times it had me going bonkers, but sheez, she’s always such a resilient bitch!

Again it isn’t just my body, my outlook became so different. I’m proud to say this over and over that I became more aware, more expressive, and more willing to take opportunities. The self-discovery was probably the most fulfilling part because I learned to love myself more in my 30s.

I have more confidence now, and that came from learning how to deal with being self-conscious. Oh yes, I’m still pretty reserved, but ain’t no pushover. Maybe I might still lowkey care about what other people say (just maybe?) but I don’t want that to stop me anymore. I’ve built more faith in myself because I don’t want to miss out on important things just because I’m worried about what others might say. I’d now say fuck them! I really feel good about myself now, and that’s what matters to me!

I want to cap this lovely, amazing decade with so much gratitude and love. I just can’t believe I’m leaving this era of my life. I’m a little nervous about hitting middle age now, and of course, my health and sanity still come with their own daily struggles (then what’s new, self?) But I know God will help me walk through this new decade. I trust in His wisdom.

All the most vivid memories of my 30s are just the most absolute best! She was that baddest bitch I concocted—a version of myself I’m so proud of!

I’m about to traverse the big 40 super soon, ngl I’m super nervous, but I also feel grateful, because aging means living! And as Stanisław Jerzy Lec famous quote said, “youth is the gift of nature, but age is a work of art.”

Relishing the few days of my 30s. But really, you’ve been a blast! ❤️