sudden venting, hence not proper caps, but here it goes: it feels like i’ve never gotten to a point where i completely process my anger. no, it’s not like i haven’t gotten really angry, but whenever i did, it always felt incomplete. it feels like i am externally set up to forcibly terminate my anger because anger never works out. people never really take my anger seriously. never. even though i have valid reasons to get angry, people around me just gaslight my anger. they always make me feel like it’s my fault, that i don’t understand them, and that i always need to be rational at all times. i should be the one to accommodate. i should be the one to adjust. even though all i ask is for them to adjust too—not just make me feel like my anger is unwarranted.

if grieving for others has stages, my anger only has one stage: complete anger, and then it just… stops. i was programmed to just be okay with it. i never have a moment of anger that results in anything but me adjusting—even though my anger comes from issues i can’t take anymore. i want them to at least try to see my point. i want them to show me that they’re trying too! what they always do is take things to the extreme, making me feel guilty for being angry. and this forces me to stop being angry. it makes me feel like i don’t have the right to be angry any longer. i shouldn’t dwell on my anger or even learn how to process it on my own—at my own pace. i’m not afforded the state of being angry until i’m ready to let it go without other people’s actions intervening in this phase i’m in. that phase i want to be in… for now.

i wonder: if it’s okay not to be okay, then is it okay to be angry? i’m only angry because i’m not okay. is anger bad? are people not allowed to be mad? i don’t want to stay angry, but i do want to remain in this state of anger—probably in isolation—without people threatening me with their actions as a result of my anger. i am often the first one to offer an olive branch but rarely the recipient. does that make me a better person? i don’t know. but what i do know is that i’ve been deprived of the stillness of anger. i just want to be angry on my own terms.